How to Live With My Family Abandoning Me
Why Can't I Forgive My Mother for Abandoning Her Family?
My mom left me and my family when I was 16. She didn't return until I was close to 19. I love her to death because she was my mom and dad as a kid when my dad took off on us, and I experience similar she is trying her hardest, but even today I can't forgive her. I dearest her, only I have so much acrimony toward her and injure from her. I've seen counselors for the past 10 years now and have been on all types of meds. None accept helped. I just desire to become rid of this extra weight and hurt. I have no idea where to begin. Cheers for all your help. —Unforgiven
Honey Unforgiven,
It sounds like you lot have tried to get help in and so many ways, yet nothing has worked for you lot. That must be incredibly frustrating. There is no question that beingness left by a parent is painful. You are entitled to feel anger and injure, though I hear y'all say that you lot don't want to feel that style anymore, that you desire to let it go. If yous desire to let it go, you will need to notice a fashion to forgive your mother. When we forgive, we actually release ourselves, not the other person. Your mother is still responsible for the choices she made. Forgiveness does non mean that you are OK with her choices or that you condone them. Y'all can't change the facts of her choices, but yous exercise have an opportunity to change what those choices mean to you.
There is no quick fix for these kinds of feelings, and the strategies that work will vary from person to person. Some people reply well to mindfulness work, whereas some people detect cerebral behavioral approaches (REBT in particular) most impactful. I tin offer you lot a couple of strategies to try, though in my feel, working through these strategies with the help of a professional is well-nigh constructive.
The strategies I can suggest involve reframing how you tell your stories. Right now, y'all tell your story about how your mom left you when yous were 16. My hunch is that each time you tell information technology, y'all may re-experience some of the emotions of loss, acrimony, confusion, or grief that you felt at the time. This tin reinforce those feelings of hurt and keep them activated. The commencement step to making a shift is to start telling the story from the third person rather than kickoff. Become a neutral observer watching the events. Instead of saying, "My mom left me …" you lot narrate the story, saying, "The mother left her girl and the family …" Past budgeted your story this fashion, you start to get some emotional distance from the events and they aren't quite as triggering. You may notice details that you didn't pay attention to earlier. This is the kickoff step.
When you lot are ready, y'all tin try telling the story from the points of view of others—other people in your family, and eventually your female parent. Consider what they were thinking and feeling, how they fabricated the choices they made, how they saw events. By taking on the perspective of others, it tin sometimes shift how we feel nearly a set of events. Once again, I'd recommend that yous do this with the back up of a therapist who tin can help guide you through this procedure.
Some other approach I'd similar to mention is re-parenting work. Again, I strongly recommend doing this with therapeutic back up. The principal goal of re-parenting is to go back to the time when y'all felt abased, hurt, and let down, and to allow yourself to experience deeply while besides becoming the loving parent to yourself you wish you'd had. Assuasive yourself to fully feel and feel the pain of your abandonment is the key to healing here. You learn to offering yourself the unconditional love and support you wanted from your mom. Yous learn to nurture yourself and heal those deep, painful wounds which tin can ultimately permit you to release the anger yous've been belongings on to. This arroyo can be intense, and information technology is important to find a professional you trust to aid guide you through the process.
All-time of luck,
Erika
Erika Myers
Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (ofttimes due to separation or divorce) every bit well equally individuals seeking support with human relationship issues, parenting, depression, feet, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most often uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her exercise.
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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/why-cant-i-forgive-my-mother-for-abandoning-her-family
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